Review of Movie “Noah” with an Artist’s Eye: 5 Lemons out of 5 Lemons

“Noah” director, atheist Darren Aronofsky, promised the world the “least Biblical film ever made.” That’s like the real-life attempt to prove to prove — the least fact-based evidence, unconfirmed by the majority of scientists not taking global warming funding — that global warming will render man extinct (maybe through global cooling). Both the movie and global warming are all about money, your money. My friend David Lemon at Clay to Bronze sent his review of “Noah” via email, and I doubt you will find it written-up quite the way David writes it, with his amazing artist’s eye for detail and reality.

Movie "Noah" Ranked 5 Lemons

Movie “Noah” Ranked 5 Lemons

David Lemon: “Noah” 5 lemons out of 5 lemons. Visit his beautiful and informative website here.

Everything in brackets [ ] are my comments.

Spoiler Alert…. Run .. Don’t Walk .. Run away from this total abomination of a movie..!!!!!

Went and saw the movie “Noah.” I know I said I wasn’t going to go see it, but decided to see it for myself.

It’s a movie dealing with how man abused the earth, nothing at all to do with the sins of man, which I believe is why man was destroyed.

It’s a total farce.. stone monsters help to build the ark. Mankind is destroyed for — wait for it – not because they were major sinners, but because they didn’t take care of the Earth. Re-writing the Bible. [According to Genesis 6:4 There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown. By Genesis 6:13 God tells Noah he will destroy the earth.]

There’s a stow away on the Ark (Tubal Cain) who tries to kill Noah. While he’s waiting to kill Noah, he’s eating small animals raw. Eating the animals!!!! [Tubal Cain is the son of Lamech’s second wife. Lamech is the son of Methuselah]

Noah never hears God’s voice. God is never mentioned — ever, but he assumes God wants him to save all the

Russell Crowe as Noah

Russell Crowe as Noah

creatures of the world, “but” [Tubal Cain is eating them] once the Ark is resting on solid ground, God wants him to kill his whole family and himself.

I’m serious.. he never hears any commandments from God but he thinks homicide is God’s intent for his family.

He’s thinking God wants him to delete man from the earth and leave it to the animals and nature.

It was so, so bad, I felt sick and almost left the theater. The word “Abomination” kept coming into my mind, but I suffered through this atheist’s view of a story from a book he doesn’t believe in, and turned it into an Abomination of a holy story.

The women wear pants — they all dress like they are in a ‘modern day, after the bomb dropped,’ movie. [If you look at Biblical history in pictures, no one wore pants. Men wore loin clothes, robes or wrappings that resembled what we think of as robes.]

They skipped several ages of man and went from Stone Age right through the Bronze, to Iron and Steel Age, using modern-looking axes to chop wood, and steel swords and knives. The bad people making weapons were wearing — wait for it –modern day welders helmets; I KID YOU NOT!!!

There’s no vegetation or tree’s anywhere. The landscape was black volcanic sand-and-moon-like mountains. Noah’s wood supply was supplied to him when a fountain sprung up and water streamed out in all directions. The next morning, like Jack and the Bean Stalk, there was a fully mature and vast forest of Gopher Wood Trees covering the volcanic landscape.. I’m assuming they were Gopher wood…

You see an aerial view of the construction of the ark with the giant stone guys walking on top of it carrying wood, and what looked like pounding on the deck — not sure what that was about.

I mean Maggie.. what Noah seemed to be doing on the ark was making bowls out of wood.. or whatever.. Tubal Cain just grabbed a lizard while talking to Ham and bit the head off, and ate it.

Methuselah [acted by Anthony Hopkins], living in a cave on the only green mountain in the area, died in the flood. You see him waiting for the waters. He was over 960 years old [969 years old – the son of Enoch, who “walked with God” and was “taken-up by God — not experiencing death. Noah was Methuselah’s grandfather. My sources say Methuselah died in the year of the flood, some saying the week before the flood]. It is thought he died in the flood, which may mean he was sinful when he died [the Bible gives no clue to Methuselah’s spirituality].

There was a young girl child in the movie: Ila had been stabbed in the stomach when Noah and his wife found her. Just before the flood, Methuselah touches her tummy and all of a sudden she was able to conceive, so she finds Shem [Noah’s son] and straddles him. Onboard the Ark she conceives twin girls, and Noah is shown getting ready to stab them both, to kill them, but he doesn’t because he felt love for the little baby girls.

After the flood Noah goes to live in a cave because he thought he’d failed God by not committing the deaths of all his family.

I mean Maggie.. it was just so amazingly bad — the whole movie — I mean the final vest or jacket Noah is wearing has lapels.. LAPELS!

Overall: To think they wanted to give the Pope a private showing to get his approval, well you just gotta say — they had real Cojones to even think that one up.. The Pope refused, good for him.

Sorry, I’ve spoiled this abomination of a movie, for you, but too bad, I don’t want to see anyone waste their money on this dog..

Aronofsky wrote, produced and directed “Noah.”

In the movie, Methuselah, Noah’s grandfather, lives alone on the top of a mountain and has a constant craving for berries. He also keeps hallucinogens and has some mystical powers—including the ability to repair reproductive organs. He dies during the flood. Not much is said about him in the Bible, though he is the oldest documented person mentioned in the book. (After the flood, God proclaims that man won’t live more than 120 years.) Doing some math using the genealogy the Bible gives us, it makes perfect sense that Methuselah would have died in the flood: As the Bible tells it, he was 187 when Lemech was born and Lemech was 182 when Noah was born. Noah was 600 when the flood came, the Bible says, which would make Methuselah 969, the same age that the Bible claims he was when he died. The Bible says nothing about an obsession with berries. Source: Slate “Noah” Review

Thanks to David Lemon for his review – look at one of his latest posts, a video shot on April 18, 1906 taken of traffic on San Francisco’s Market Street four days before the great earthquake. Be sure to read his commentary on the video and how the sound in the film happened. 

Official Trailer (Notice Noah’s modern-day hair cut):

Noah, the Trailer (video)
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  • clayguy1

    If and when this comes out on DVD and someone gifts it to you…. Trash it.. It’s just that offensive..

  • KatieNorcross

    This is what happens when an atheist, vegan decides that he is a better writer than God. A stinkeroo to be sure.

    BTW Methuselah died a few weeks before the flood (He was Noah’s Grandfather) and was buried by Noah.

  • I have to disagree with the review. The movie “Noah” remained faithful to the letter of what was said in the Bible all the way through…the title. After that, not so much!

  • Deborah Hamilton

    Abomination is what came to my mind also. I told my husband early into the movie that is what the movie is, an abomination.

    I knew what to expect, but still sorry I saw it. You can’t wipe something like that out of your head.

    Right Truth

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  • clayguy1

    Here’s a great video point out the Noah Deception…

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  • David 7134

    I am not especially religious, I went to the movie out of curiosity. I have to say that the movie was one of the worst that I have ever seen. You have to conceive of Star Wars, Jewish folklore (from the book of Enoch), Transforms and several other modern concepts rolled into one. There is nothing from the Bible in the movie, other than an Ark. I did see a WWI trench dagger in someone’s hand, rocks walked and help build the boat, the Watson character somehow completed a pregnancy in 40 days, and so on. Save your money.

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