Book of Obama Chapter 13
And the Holy One, anointed by Holy Chief of Justice, John of Roberts, returned to the Dome of the Capital, dressed in the Holy suit and tie and addressed the assembled chapter of the Congress, the Holy Justices of the land, the members of the anointed Cabinet and guests from near and far, the Anointed One, Wearer of the Mantle of Power, spoke:
I ended the war in Iraq, I killed the evil bin Laden, and personally I welcomed all the soldiers home from Iraq. I am the Holy One, the President and I can do everything. I have brought peace to the world, the world respects us better now than at any time, I will end the war in Afghanistan too. For I am the Messiah of the World.
I want all of you, My slaves oops My people to remember what I did for you after World War 2. My Grandfather who fought with Patton (and liberated Auschwitz) and My Grandmother who built the entire US Navy by herself, got to go to college for nothing. They built the US to its greatness all by themselves.
But now I see that you have done everything to destroy Me. You have overspent, you have destroyed My credit (and yours), you have bought homes that you could not afford. But I am here. I will pay your mortgages. I will refinance your mortgages. I will make it all better. I am your Savior.
I will prevent jobs from going overseas. I will investigate businesses who outsource their jobs to China. (That is until Warren Buffet tells Me to stop.) There will be no more bailouts for banks, for Wall Street, for anyone, except for Unions. I saved the auto industry. No one helped Me. And they are stronger now than before. (Sorry about the Volt thing.) I will make other nations have an equal playing field with Me. I am the equalizer.
I will tax the rich higher. And I will tax everyone else higher too. I will change the tax code. I am Omnipotent. I can and will do all.
I salute America’s teachers. I stand by your unions. I will throw more money to you so you can indoctrinate the children. I want a law saying that a child must stay in school until either he or she graduates or turns 18. That way I can have them indoctrinated to be our slaves. I will find a way to destroy the home schools, the private schools (But not the ones My daughters attend.), and the religious schools. Everyone will learn the same, think the same, live the same. Everyone will get free college under Me. (Except to the “good” schools.)
I will give citizenship to every immigrant to the United States. It matters not to Me if they are legally here or not. And I demand that this be done before the November elections (I need the votes.).
I will create jobs in energy. I will have the oil fields opened up. (Until the environmentalists either go to court or demand that I stop.) I demand that we develop alternate energy (The people who created Solyndra have given Me more money. I need to give them more government funds.) Under Me the United States has imported less oil than in the last 16 years. (Not really but if you tell a lie long and loud enough the sheeple will believe it.)
I will clear away all the Red Tape, all the government regulations that hold business down. But only until I am re-elected. Then not only will it all return but I will impose stricter restrictions upon the land.
Under My leadership the Muslim world has undergone transformations. I was the cause of the Arab Spring, the Arab renewal, the Muslim revival. This is all good in My eye. I will remove Assad from Syria, nukes from Iran and Jews from Palestine. I will defeat the evil Netanyahu and replace him with the moderate Abbas. There will be peace through out the land, for under Me all will drink the Kool-Aid and sing the Kumbaya. Under Me all men, all women will live in peace. There will be peace, the peace of Islam and the joy of the jizya. This I will demand of the world.
Upon listening to this the people turned to each other and wondered why the Anointed One didn’t do any of these things when He first came into office. They saw what He had done and shook their heads. In a loud voice they shouted: